happy valentine's day
by hobbsey
Summary: Supposing Harry wasn't the ONLY one to get a singing valentine that day in second year... a certified riot. Reviews always appreciated!


"happy" valentine's day

-(exhaustingly written by megumi and sharon)

****

a/n: written as a collab with my friend Sharon, throughout the course of three or four days, at lunch and during chemistry class. I wrote the parts involving Snape, because I love the guy so much – and Lockhart, though I'm not as fond of him. Sharon penned the parts involving Melissa and Alex, who were made up on the spot and are definitely NOT Mary-Sues.

we are fully aware that this is full of mediocre writing and atrocious grammar. just read it… seriously, it's funny.

PG rating for mild language. nothing you people shouldn't be able to handle…

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Snape was very mad because Lockhart was being STUPID again and that pissed him off. He was in the process of storming down the hall in a very foul mood, mumbling "make Professor Snape show you how to make a Love Potion MY ARSE" when he caught the sound of two girls giggling in the hall.

"When are you going to give it to him?"

"I have no idea. Look, there he is!"

The giggling was getting horribly annoying, and with Snape in a foul mood as it WAS, it was not helping much at all. He tried to collect himself and said rather roughly "Would you PLEASE stop that awful screeching?"

This just made the girls giggle more.

"Melissa, give it to him – he's right there!" said one of the girls quite breathlessly.

"No! I can't, I'm too scared." Melissa hid her red face in her hands as she fumbled with "it". The other girl just giggled, then laughed so hard she had to sit down.

Snape clenched his fist, screwed up his face, and continued walking down the otherwise-abandoned Potions hallway. The incessant giggling echoed in all around, bouncing off the walls and reverberating in the poor guy's brain. He stomped on the ground, turned briskly around (causing a dramatic swirly-thing with his cloak), took a deep breath, and continued to try and calmly get these girls to SHUT UP.

"Five points form Ravenclaw. now leave me and my migraine in peace!"

__

I think I might wish you dead, Gilderoy, if these girls are after a Love Potion.

"Why would you want to give HIM a card anyway? He's sooo old!"

"He's so smart and handsome and… and… and…"

"And what?"

"Just because I like him. And he's NOT old!"

Melissa started to run, then stopped, not wanting any more points taken away. Instead she yelled, "Please wait, Professor Snape!"

Snape rolled his eyes, wished death on Gilderoy Lockhart, turned around, and began to swoop back down the hall.

"I really am quite busy, Miss Flangerhanger, so make it quick. I must brew this potion to cure my horrible headache."

He reached the girls and stood there scowling for a moment. The girls did nothing. That insane giggling was STILL ringing in his ears, and at this point he wanted nothing more than to have Lockhart or someone waltz down the hall and distract these two long enough for him to sweep away. Alone.

"Well, Melissa has something for you. Melissa, give it to him!"

She then looked at Melissa, who stood like a statue just looking up at Snape, her face tomato red.

"…Well?" Snape was now extremely suspicious. There were not many people in the school, short of that one scary stalker-person in Slytherin, who would have been keen on giving him things. "What is it?" He hoped it wasn't a Howler – his head hurt enough already.

The girl kept prompting Melissa, who did nothing.

"…I really DON'T have all day, you know."

The other girl grabbed Melissa's bag, ripped out the card, and yelled at Snape, "Here!"

It was a pink, flowery card with no message on the outside. Snape looked at the card, then at the blushing girl in pigtails, then at the card again. Then, slightly warily, he opened the card.

And it started to sing. VERY loudly.

"_You're not very handsome or sharming or witty_

But still I am here to sing you this ditty

For somewhere inside

Past those cold, darkened eyes

Is a warm, loving heart

And a mind full of thoughts of which I wish to be part

I want you to think of me

The way I think of you

And I want you to say

'I love you too'."

Snape just stood there, hands trembling, the badly-composed song still ringing in his ears. His face felt extremely hot, and he expected he might be blushing. He managed to tear his eyes from the card to observe the girl for a moment. she was almost bursting with redness. The whole situation might have made him either scowl or laugh – if Gilderoy Lockhart hadn't chosen that moment to come down the hallway.

"Well well Severus, what HAVE we here?!" he said quite jovially, snatching the card from Snape.

Snape just stood there, mouthing something that looked like 'not what you think, you brainless git.'

"NOO!' screamed Melissa, finally coming out of her trance. She jumped at Lockhart, screeching.

The other girl sprang up and pulled Melissa off, and Melissa managed to stammer out an 'I'm sorry'.

While Lockhart had a confused look on his face, the other girl snatched the card from his hands and gave it back to Snape.

"I DON'T WANT IT!" he said quite scathingly, looking at Lockhart and readying himself to tear that ugly pink card into pieces.

"Oh come on Severus!" Lockhart said, far too cheerfully, "Is your admirer – or should I say your girlfriend – embarrassing you?"

"SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND! What on Merlin's beard are you THINKING?"

"It's Valentine's Day! You should be happy that this charming creature thought of you, not acting like an old bat!"

"Old bat? OLD BAT?! ENOUGH WITH THE BAT REFERENCES!"

"You're so CUTE when you're angry, Sevvy-poo!"

Snape turned even redder than he already was, which is saying something. He raised a finger, ready to yell something at Lockhart for… well, being Lockhart, but instead turned to the girls.

"Thank you for the card," he said stiffly.

"That's more like it!" Lockhart exclaimed.

"SHUT UP YOU TWIT!"

Melissa was beaming with happiness, and the other girl was turning blue from not laughing out loud. She started to cry, then laughed out loud.

More laughing. More insane giggling. Snape's fist twitched involuntarily. MORE gigglng… Merlin.

"What's so funny?" babbled Lockhart, "True love is not to be laughed at! Even if this poor girl is to be Severus'…"

"WHAT?!"

"Oh come now, don't hide it!"

It took all Snape had to keep himself form yelling something to the effect of "Fuck off, Gilderoy!"

Melissa ran up and gave Snape a giant hug.

Alex (the other girl – she need a name) started to clap. Then she started jumping up and down and screaming.

"Hey Alex – SHUT UP!" screamed Melissa, still holding onto Snape,

Snape's eyes were by now wider than they had ever been before (wow, look at my GREAT description!) as he looked down at the pgitailed, smiling girl with her arms latched around his waist.

It was quite a dilemma. He certainly did NOT want to hug her back, but he didn't want to crush the poor girl's heart either. Instead he just stood there.

Lockhart, grinning like the stupid photos in his office, strutted over. "Give her a hug, Severus!" he exclaimed, and somehow managed to force Snape's arms around Melissa, who looked like she would die in ecstasy. He let go as soon as Lockhart wasn't reinforcing the embrace, and tried to step backward, resulting only in his tripping over the hem of his robes, landing him flat on his back with Melissa on top of him, still holding on like he was some sort of teddy bear.

Alex was still jumping around screaming, but she landed wrong and fell into Lockhart. She smiled down at him on the floor. Then she got up, started jumping, and fell on him again.

"Now now Miss Soetheby, it's not necessary to continue falling all over me. Just because I'm the five-time winner of _Witch Weekly_'s 'Most Charming Smile' award…"

Alex got up, and Lockhart walked over to where Snape was trying to get out of Melissa's embrace-of-suffocation™.

"Please, Miss Flangerhanger, get OFF!"

Melissa was not willing to respond, and Snape continued to try and wriggle his way out. He closed his eyes, sucked in, and tried to get skinny enough to just slide out form under her, but she just held on even tighter. He opened his eyes, gasped for air, and saw Lockhart standing directly above him, looking down.

"There now Severus, don't you feel better?"

"NO! Get me OUT of here!"

Lockhart blatantly ignored him, and instead but a hand above his eyes to gaze down the hallway.

"It's just too bad Minerva isn't here to see this."

Snape considered pulling out his wand and cursing Lockhart, Melissa, and that screaming girl right then and there. He reached to his pocket, and was utterly dismayed to find it wasn't there.

Alex had stopped screaming and was waving it in his face.

She started taunting Snape. "Na na na na-na na!"

She then started screaming and jumping around, getting further away, then closer, but knowing she must keep out of his reach.

Melissa was still looking at Snape with her chin on his chest. Her neck was starting to hurt, so she shifted so her cheek was on his chest.

Alex would not stop jumping up and down and screaming. _This is getting annoying_, thought Melissa.

Alex lost grip on Snape's wand in mid-jump, and it rolled toward him. She let out a screech and dived at it. As she grabbed it, her body hit the floor and she lost her breath.

Snape tried his VERY, VERY hardest to stretch his arm out in order to reach the wand. Unfortunately, he's not Stretch Armstrong™, and he's not made of rubber, so his fingertips could just barely reach it. He tried to scoot himself slightly to the right so it would be more in reach.

__

Just a little closer… just a little closer…

He was just about to reach the wand when Lockhart stomped on his hand.

"OWTCH!" Snape cried, recoiling swiftly and glaring up at Lockhart.

"Oh sorry Severus, didn't see you there." Lockhart smiled and shrugged.

"SORRY? If you're so SORRY, you pathetic excuse for a human being, then get me out from under this… this girl!"

"Really? Just the other day you were complaining that everyone was happier than you, and now…"

Snape grumbled, realizing that Lockhart was not going to do anything for him. He looked up at the ceiling, listening to the noise of students coming down from the Great Hall.

…wait.

Students coming down from the Great Hall?

Snape cursed under his breath and decided it was time for desperate action. His eyes flicked over to where Alex and Lockhart were talking. Neither of them were any help. His only hope was…

"Er… Melissa? I have class to teach. Why don't you stop by my office later?"

Melissa beamed down at him, her eyes glistening. Her eyes teared up, and she murmured something. She them cleared her throat and stammered out an 'Okay'. She then gave Snape one more squeeze, then unwrapped her arms and got up off of him. She extended her hand, but apparently he didn't want it, so she bent down and reached for his wand and handed it to him.

Alex looked at Melissa and said, "Aww, I wanted to give him his wand back." Melissa just stuck her tongue out at Alex.

Of course Snape had no intention of being anywhere near his office. He dusted off his robes, put his wand back in his pocket, and began to walk down the hallway, trying to ignore Melissa's stuttering, Alex's odd squeaking noises, and Lockhart's bragging.

He sweeped into the Potions classroom just in time to hear Melissa say to her Ravenclaw friends, "Guess what! I have a date with Professor Snape!"

He put a hand up to his head. It seemed this would require even MORE clearing up… and it didn't help that Lockhart was there confirming Melissa's claim.

"Yes, it seems our dear Potions professor has fallen in love at last!"

__

Merlin…

The Ravenclaw students entered his class giggling and gossiping.

Melissa and Alex raced into the class. Melissa leaned across the table and said, once again, "I've got a date with Professor Snape!"

Alex burst out giggling. Melissa leaned over and half yelling, half screaming, said "Shut up, my Valentine is about to start class!"

Alex glared at Melissa, and Melissa grinned back.

Snape just glared at all the giggling students, causing them to shut up immediately.

"I believe there are matters that need some clarification."

It really was now or never. As much as Snape didn't want to break Melissa's heart (he didn't hate her that much, and knew only too well what it felt like), it was either that or be love slave to a 15-year-old.

"It seems that rumours have been circulating involving Miss Flangerhanger and I. I would like to assure you all that I have no romantic interest in her whatsoever. Anyone who reinforces this rumour will be most appropriately punished."

Snape took his eyes from the class and looked at his lesson plan, not daring to look at Melissa. He really isn't the heartless bastard we make him out to be (unless he's around Harry).

"Today we will be making a simple Calming Concoction, useful for relieving most minor pains and headaches…"

Melissa just looked at him in surprise as class continued. Her eyes teared up, and she let the tears fall. Her heart was broken.

The rest of the class was fairly uneventful. The only thing of note was Padma Patil accidentally dropping some powder blush into her potion, resulting in it rushing up like a geyser and causing ten points to be taken from Ravenclaw.

As the students began to leave, Snape stopped them for a moment.

"Miss Flangerhanger, I would like to see you in my office for a moment."

Melissa nodded, wiped a few last tears from her eyes, and followed him down the hallway.

"Please, sit down," said Snape, motioning to a chair in the corner of the office.

"I realize that my remarks in class were quite hurtful to you. However…" He bit his lip for a moment, trying to find words that would work right but not hurt her too much more, "I do not have any intention of any sort of relationship with you, other than is befitting to a teacher and student. Your conduct earlier was very unacceptable."

He looked at Melissa, sitting in the chair, hands folded in her lap.

"However, I do appreciate your giving me a card. You remain the only one to have done so. Thank you."

She just looked at him, with tears in her eyes, and smiled. She got up to leave, looked back, and saw the downcast, sad look in Snape's eyes, as if he identified only too well.

__

That's weird. I thought he was heartless… thought Melissa, _But he's not._

After Melissa had left, Snape sat brooding for a few moments before rising from his desk chair and heading swiftly to the teacher's lounge.

In the lounge, Lockhart was relating to anyone and everyone who would listen (nobody) the events of the day. Snape, now thoroughly relived of his migraine, and with his usual dignity back, swooped into the room.

"Oh hello Severus!" exclaimed Lockhart. Then in a quieter tone, he added, "I can keep your… erm… _affair_ with Miss Flangerhanger secret if you'll buy me dinner. I spent my pay on some new crème robes."

Snape just smiled.

"How about I take your 'offer' and shove it up your arse? Then, while you're out of it, I can strip aways the layers of your overly-large head to reveal the cotton-candy filled crevice that truly lies within."

Lockhart just sat there, stunned, as the rest of the Hogwarts staff clapped and cheered. Snape made an extravagant bow and took his leave of the room.

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more a/n: well, that was fun! ^^ this is what comes of too much caffeine right before class.

I don't own Severus Snape or Gilderoy Lockhart, and I probably much prefer to just write fanfics. Melissa Flangerhanger and Alex Soetheby are original creations, however – but you're welcome to them. I don't think I'll ever be using them again.

Thanks to Sharon for writing this with me, Lori for reading it, and my mom for laughing.

REVIEW. please? I'll give you a cookie and review back.

-megumi


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